Finding Comfort in Uncertainty

Photo by Kate McCabe

Perhaps I will find the answers

I do not know

Perhaps I may live with the plague my whole life

I do not know

Perhaps I may be healed from this

I do not know

Perhaps I will learn to stop saying I do not know

I do not know

Perhaps the only thing I do know is

I may never know

I do not know

When I was young, “I don’t know” was my standard answer for everything. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I didn’t say much. I lived in a land of I don’t knows. Not knowing kept me in uncomfortable positions and also let others make my decisions for me.

Once I found a voice and a position, I had to be sure. If I wasn’t sure, then I would fall back into uncertainty. It was a control thing. I felt so out of control my whole life once I gained power from taking control into my own hands, I become stubborn about it. Even if I was wrong, I’d fight until I won or was proven wrong. My thoughts would be, Why do I have to back down? Why do I have to concede first?

It’s the human quality. You go from one side of the spectrum to the other before finding out that the best position is somewhere in the middle.

I’m still working on it, but I did find some relief once I realized I could accept the fact that I didn’t know or have to know everything. If I can accept not knowing, then I lose the expectation that I have to know. It’s a weight off of my heavy load I carry. I had to comfortably live in uncertainty. I realized that I am not losing control because we don’t even have control in the first place. This year has been a big example of this. There is a way to still have your power in your position without coming off as always having to fight.

It’s acceptance.